Whenever I'm invited to introduce experience design and digital product design to teams – from university classes to corporate groups – I try to be as sensitive as possible. I start with a general introduction of concepts and words, so no one needs to ask a self-perceived "dumb question." I try to understand their backgrounds and find ways to integrate their professional strengths into unfamiliar processes. I want them to feel valued in their skills, not as if they'd need to retrain completely. But in breaks and communication after the workshop, I sometimes catch sadness and fear about this whole digital thing. It's shame.
They are ashamed that they didn't take digital channels seriously. It's shame-fueling that they shut down team members who wanted to try something new. It's shame that now external people need to be hired to explain to them what they missed and have to build up the knowledge they willfully ignored. It's shame that they were so proud of their past work that they didn't prepare for the future. It's shame that they weren't good enough leaders.
"Shame" is probably the most powerful form of fear in a business/work context. Think about it. When you're afraid of spiders, it's your problem. Same when you're afraid of height. When you're afraid of the next step or quitting a job, there's no consequence but to yourself. But shame is not contained to yourself. Shame hurts your relationship.
Whenever I feel ashamed, I was outed as a – to my own standards – not good enough person. Forgetting the birthday of someone important to me. Being factually incorrect in front of others. Having my shortcomings called out by someone else. Then I retreat. But it's not just a Katharina thing. It's a shame thing. The problem with shame is that it builds a wall of silence that grows and grows, and often becomes harder to overcome with time. The larger it grows, the more strength it takes to make the first step. To wish a belated happy birthday. To apologize. Or to acknowledge a situation.
Shame hurts your relationship with others. That makes it so dangerous. But it also got me thinking: What's the opposite reaction to shame? Is there even one? — Yes, there is. It's self-righteousness.
And luckily, looking up some psychological articles for this, professionals agree.
“Shame and self-righteousness are protective mechanisms that help the individual to avoid the vulnerability to humiliation and the loss of contact in relationship. When a relationship is tainted by criticism, ridicule, blaming, defining, ignoring, or other humiliating behaviors, the result is an increased vulnerability in the relationship. The contact or attachment is disrupted.”
Shame says: "I'm not OK, you're OK."
Self-righteousness says: "I'm OK, you're not OK."
In contrast to shame, self-righteousness creates a self-perception of triumph over the other to escape the feeling of humiliation. Whenever I'm thinking of self-righteousness in the business context, then LinkedIn posts by opinion leaders, coaches, and workshop facilitators specializing in narrow methods come to mind. Self-righteous posts about these "unteachable companies will face their demise if they don't follow my instructions." — I'm doing the right thing; those companies are not.
It was even worse earlier this year when some people tried to push their NFTs and build a FOMO from not participating in crypto investment, effectively saying: "You missed the digital revolution (Web 1/2), now is your chance to be an early adopter and innovator (Web 3)."
For people who felt shame from being a barrier in the past, this was the ultimate chance to overcome their shame in one impulse and be advocates for the new. No matter how little they understood/understand it.
I wondered how self-righteousness could become a defense mechanism for humiliation until I understood that people who act that way (in a business context & my anecdotal experience) often lack the knowledge themselves. They stick to one solution because that's the solution they know, earn money, and feel comfortable with, leaving no room for other answers than their own. I guess it's also part of the sunk cost fallacy and commitment biases.
You can already anticipate that while shame and self-righteousness are two sides of the same medal, they create an imbalanced power dynamic — in the worst-case spiraling into a situation where one is pressuring the other through shaming them.
In this way, I feel shame is the most powerful form of fear in business and decision-making. Fear is always a bad advisor, but shame is a black hole of vulnerability.
When researching this topic, I found it very insightful to understand that shame and self-righteousness are symptoms of a broken relationship. And that – even more importantly – I have to reflect on how my actions as "an expert" can worsen the situation rather than relax it. Especially when I'm an outside person entering this relationship (e.g., being hired by an innovation team to instruct "traditional" employees; these words make me cringe).
But what can we do to solve this? The psychological answer is: "A therapist's involvement using acknowledgment, validation, normalization, and presence diminishes the internal discounting (Schiff & Schiff, 1971) that is part of the defensive denial accompanying shame."
Translated to our daily work lives, it means: showing understanding, compassion, and appreciation of the other's skills. It also calls for us not to inflate our role in transformational processes and expertise but instead adapt to the team's needs, strengths and dynamics.